


The Cranky Bint's Guide To Brit-Picking

by hobbitsdoitbetter



Category: British Television, Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Fanwork Research & Reference Guides, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-04
Updated: 2014-10-04
Packaged: 2018-02-19 19:06:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2399513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hobbitsdoitbetter/pseuds/hobbitsdoitbetter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In response to being asked to Brit-pick various fan-fics (as well as reading certain Americanisms over and over again) I have put together a basic guide to Brit-picking your fics. It also explains some common cultural differences, and gives a list of your more basic swear-words. </p><p>In other words it should be everything you need to Brit-pick your own work. </p><p>That said, I HAVE DEFINITELY LEFT THINGS OUT, so if anyone notices an omission or has a question then please place let me know. The idea is to for this to be a resource for any writer writing a British character. </p><p>Enjoy!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Cranky Bint's Guide To Brit-Picking

_Disclaimer_ : Please be aware that the following, while intended to make fan-fic writers’ lives easier, may come across as a grouchy, irritable rant, which is not really my intention.

On the other hand, if I read another one of these bloody Americanisms my head may explode.

Please note, this list does not contain words which are only used in the UK; rather it provides the UK equivalent of the more prevalent Americanisms in fan-fic. It also provides some examples where the attitudes to a subject are vastly different on either side of the Atlantic. It also tells you how to swear like a Brit. So, in the interests of those who actually want to make a story sound like it took place in the United Kingdom, and not a mistily-characterised area of the USA which calls itself London, please read on.

And if I have missed anything then please let me know and I’ll add it.

* * *

  **THE CRANKY BINT'S GUIDE TO BRIT-PICKING**

* * *

  _ **General Environment**_

* * *

_Pavement or Footpath_ , not Sidewalk.

 _Shop_ , not Store. As a general rule, the only shops which will be called “Stores,” are the incredibly large ones usually termed “Super-stores,” in the US. In everyday usage however, it is far more common to say shop.

 _Shopping Centre_ , not Mall. A mall is a specific open area in Britain, similar to a village green where markets would have been set up in years gone by. They are not common.

 _Supermarket or The Shops_ , not Market (as in, “I’m going down the shops,” as opposed to “I’m going to the market.”) In Britain and Europe, a market is an open-air endeavour with stalls, like the Camden Market in London. It is highly unlikely that you’ll do your grocery shopping in one. Alternatively, people will often use the name of the supermarket chain they’re planning to head to, as in, “I’m popping down to Tesco’s for some milk, Sherlock; would you like three more litres of bleach?”

 _Corner Shop,_ not Bodega. The term "Mom and Pop Shop," is also not used. 

 _Off-Licence,_ not Liquor Store. 

 _Chemist_ , not Drugstore.

 _Housing Estat_ e, not Housing Project. The term “housing estate,” in London more usually refers to the large numbers of high rise tower blocks built for the poor and working classes after World War Two. Because they were built for the poor, many developed a reputation for being dangerous, overcrowded and/or having a criminal element. Since the 1980s however families have been steadily squeezed out of such estates, allowing for gentrification.

 _Foyer_ , not Lobby, though this is not a hard rule.

 _Lift,_ not Elevator. 

 _Flat_ , not Apartment.

 _Autumn_ , not Fall or The Fall.

 _Nappy_ , not Diaper.

 _Pram or Buggy_ , not Stroller.

 _A &E or Casualty_, not The ER. A&E stands for, “accident and emergency.”

 _Plaster,_  not Band-Aid. 

 _GP's Surgery,_  not Clinic. A GP's surgery is where a doctor like John works; Surgery does not actually take place there but the term remains. GP stands for "General Practitioner."

 _Midwife_ , not OBGYN. While OBGYN's are sometimes engaged by patients, particularly for more complicated cases, the person a pregnant woman on the NHS is most likely to deal with is called a midwife. There are other differences between American and British natal care: Breast-feeding tends to be encouraged, an epidural is by no means a foregone conclusion (gas or air are more likely options) and most women are encouraged to walk about and be active before the birth. Home-births are also covered by the NHS (National Health Service), though this often depends on your location, since a trained midwife may not be available to take part. Private health-care is often considered costly and unneccesary, though it is available. And, contrary to occasional American reports, the NHS is not free health-care; everyone pays for it in their taxes. Speaking of which...

 _Inland Revenue,_  not Internal Revenue Service or IRS. "Sneaky Bastards," is a suitable label for both though. 

* * *

_**Driving and Related Terms** _

* * *

 

 _Car-Park_ , not Parking Lot.

 _Junction_ , not Intersection. 

 _Motorway_ , not Highway. 

 _Rental Car_ , not Hire Car. 

 _Zebra Crossing,_ not Cross-Walk. 

 _Petrol,_ not Gasoline. 

 _Boot_ , not Trunk (of a car). 

 _Bonnet_ , not Hood (of a car). 

 ***A Note** **Regardi** **ng** **Driving** : My experience is that most Brits can drive and do have a drivers' licence. Since public transportation is so good however, and since London is subject to a congestion charge which discourages people from bringing their cars into the city centre, they usually commute by tube, bus, etc. Biking is also becoming a more popular option, and is being encouraged by the city authorities.

The congestion charge is not popular however, which would suggest that people would drive if they could. Why this is important to note is that owning a car is by no means a given though most can drive, and car ownership when young is by no means a given either. (Your first car seems to lack the emotional symbolism in Britain which it possesses in the United States.) 

 ***A Note Regarding London** : London is a massive city and it is more than 2000 years old. It has been leveled several times, most notably by The Great Fire of 1666 and also by the Blitz of World War Two. In addition, it has grown ad hoc, swallowing up surrounding villages and towns; its street layouts range from the Victorian to the Medieval and sometimes older. It is a maze. A beautiful, ancient maze. 

For this reason, no part of London in any way resembles a grid pattern; The well-ordered street plans of American cities are anathema to it and it has proved robustly immune to planning schemes for centuries. This has several effects for those writing about the city:

Firstly, no street in London is numbered. The city's streets are named after famous people, the former trades on which the street relied or older landmarks which may no longer survive though their name lives on on maps; sometimes nobody really remembers where the name comes from, it is lost in the mists of time. Directions like, "Baker and 45th," therefore make no sense whatsoever. There is no 45th Street, Avenue or Way, and there never will be. That is not how streets are named in London. 

Secondly, It is unlikely that you would refer to a street simply by its name, without adding the word "street," "avenue," etc. You would always say you were "going to Baker Street," for example, not, "Take me to Baker."  

Thirdly, and in relation to the point above, because it is not built on a grid pattern, London is not broken down into blocks in the way an American city is. Blocks are not therefore used to give directions or estimate distance. A British character would never say or think something is, "Five blocks away." They are far more likely to say "Ten minutes' walk," or "About a mile that way." The phrase "to take a walk around the block," may be used- in the sense that you took a walk to clear your head- but that is an exception (and an import from the US). In addition, the American habit of navigating by intersections- saying "Baker and Asquith," for example- has no comparison in British usage. You might say, "Off Baker Street," but your destination would not be described in terms of two streets and their intersection. 

* * *

_**In The Kitchen** _

* * *

 

 _Grill,_ not Broiler. The verb, “to broil,” appears nowhere in UK English, and is one of the most obvious Americanisms found in fan-fic. The verb used in UK English is, “to grill.”

 _Cutlery,_ not Flatware. While "Cutlery," usually refers to metal knives, forks etc. "Flatware," is never used. The speaker would usually just call the cutlery disposable or plastic. 

 _Hob or Stove_ , not Cook-Top.  Again, cook-top is an Americanism. Also, a cooker is a free-standing cooking device which, to use American English, is topped by a cook-top and has an oven underneath. Just so you know, like.

 _Bin,_ not Waste Disposal. The waste disposal unit, so commonly installed in American sinks, is all but unknown in the UK. 

 _Fridge_ , not Refrigerator.

 _Bins or Rubbish_ , not Trash or Garbage. As in, you take out the bins not the trash or the garbage. You also put something in the bin or the rubbish, not the trash or the garbage. By the same logic, your bins are collected by bin-men, not garbage-men. Interestingly, if you say something, for example a book, is rubbish then you’re saying it’s no good. On the other hand, saying something is trash seems to imply not only a lack of quality but also a certain prurience or sleaziness in the US, as in “trash talk,” or, “looking trashy.” Isn’t comparative vocabulary fun?

 _Electric Kettle,_ not Stove Top Kettle. In Britain, most people have an electric kettle (either plug-in or wireless). It is an unremarkable piece of kitchen equiptment, one which is seldom commented on. Stove-top kettles are rare, and are usually considered a lifestyle accessory rather than a tool. Obviously the kettle and the teapot are not interchangeable bits of kit either; You heat your water in the kettle and then add it to your teabags in the teapot. Coffee is also usually made in a "Plunger," or "French press," rather than a percolator or an espresso machine (since both are expensive). A moka maker (which looks like a miniature metal kettle) may also be used, since it makes stronger coffee than a plunger. 

* * *

**_Food & Drink_**

* * *

  _Biscuits_ , not Cookies. In the UK, cookies are a specific type of biscuit, not a catch-all word.

 _Chocolate_ , not Candy.

 _Sweets_ , not Candy. (Please note, sweets and chocolate are not the same. Sweets can refer to things like jellies, bonbons, gob-stoppers, lollipops and more).

 _Jam_ , not Jelly. For the same reason, you would buy jam donuts, not jelly donuts.

 _Jelly_ , not Jell-O.

 _Crisps_ , not Chips.

 _Chips_ , not Fries.

 _Soft drink_ , not Soda or Pop. 

 _Coriander or Coriander Leaves_ , not Cilantro. 

 _Aubergine_ , not Eggplant.

 _Courgette_ , not Zucchini. 

 _Take Away_ , not Take Out. 

 _Milk or Cream_ , not Creamer. Powdered milk or cream substitutes are not very common anywhere but on public transportation like trains or planes in the UK. Even when these small tubs of devilry are available, they’re not called creamers. Most coffee shops will have milk or soy milk available to put into your tea or coffee; Cream is rarely available unless the place is very high end.

 _Milk_ , not Half-and-Half or Some Other American Brand Name. The use of such brand-names is a rather obvious Americanism; these products simple aren'y available in the UK. And since we're taling about dairy products, full-fat milk is milk which hasn’t been treated for its fat content and is still quite common in the UK.  It is  simply referred to as, "Milk." Low fat milk is, as the name implies, milk with less fat. it is referred to as "Low Fat Milk," or sometimes, "Skinny Milk." Soya milk is widely available in supermarkets, as is cream, but none of these things are referred to by a brand name. And coconut milk is also widely available in both full fat and diet forms. Oddly enough condensed milk is very rare and is (in my experience at least) considered rather icky. 

 _Chicken/Ham/Pepperoni/Whatever’s-Dead-Cooked-and-Tasty Slices_ , not Cold Cuts. The phrase “Cold Cuts,” is so American I actually had to google what it was. And that’s after a lifetime of watching US telly. Slices of any cold meat are unlikely to be served with a dinner; They may be used to make sandwiches, or in a starter in a restaurant (for example, in a meat and cheese plate) but in general British dinners are served hot. The only exception to this is salads, and even then it took a long time for this devilrous foreign notion to gain headway. (Salads were originally blamed on the French, from what I can tell.) 

 _Coming For A Drink_ , not Having A Beer. As in, “Are you coming for a drink, Greg? After all, you deserve it for not killing Sherlock today…” This one is not a strict rule: People do indeed drink beer, and shorts (like whiskey or vodka) as well as ales, ciders (what Americans call “hard cider,”) and more when they go to the pub. But the usual parlance seems to be to ask if a person is coming for a drink or a pint, not specifically a beer. I don’t know why.

 ***A Note About Alcohol** : Attitudes towards alcohol consumption within the UK seem to be very different than those within the US. Specifically, there is a difference in what might be thought of as excessive consumption, and this applies to both men and women. For this reason, having a supposedly British character panic/feel alarmed/ashamed over having one or two drinks is completely unrealistic, whatever their gender. (In the UK, you’re far more likely to feel embarrassed that it requires so little alcohol to get you drunk; pride in your capacity for “holding your liquor,” is common.)

Of course there are those who don’t drink at all- teetotallers- but the attitude to being drunk seems a great deal more relaxed than that in the US. It is therefore highly unlikely that, female or male, you will feel shame or be shamed by your peers for how much you drink. Having several drinks after work is a common feature of many professions, particularly the police, (which is probably why neither Lestrade nor Sally have murdered Sherlock yet). A tea-totaller copper would be an unusual creature indeed.

* **A** **Note About Breakfast** : Breakfast in the UK will not involve pancakes. Breakfast in the UK may involve eggs, rashers (bacon), toast and possibly beans, (a so-called, “Full British,”) but it will not involve pancakes. It may involve cornflakes, porridge, pastries, yoghurt and fruit, (usually known as a “Continental Breakfast,”) but it will not involve pancakes. It may even simply involve toast and coffee, but it will not involve pancakes. Pancakes are not a universal breakfast food: They are an American breakfast food. In general a UK breakfast will tend to be savoury rather than sweet, and it will not involve pancakes. Please accept this.  

* * *

_**Clothing and Appearance** _

* * *

  _A Fringe_ , not Bangs. As in, “Sherlock dislikes Molly’s new haircut; a fringe constantly getting into her eyes is the last thing she needs.”

 _Handbag or Bag_ , not Purse. A purse is specifically what a woman keeps her money in in the UK, like a female version of a wallet. She keeps her purse in her handbag.

 _Pyjamas_ , not Pajamas. The trousers in a pyjama set are called, “pyjama bottoms.”

 _Knickers or Pants_ , not Panties.

 _Tights,_ not Pantyhose or Nylons.

 _Hair Slide or Hair Clip,_ not Barrette. 

 _Trousers_ , not Pants. Indeed, in the UK “Pants,” always means underpants or boxers, except in a very specific part of Yorkshire. Again, I don’t know why. Maybe Yorkshire just likes to be different.

 _Shirt,_ not Button-Down or A Button-Down Shirt, (as in Sherlock usually wears a shirt. That garment you see him in is the only sort of garment which would be referred to as a shirt in the UK.) A t-shirt is a t-shirt or a tee. Any sort of garment for the upper body may be referred to as a top, and a woman’s buttoned top may be referred to as a blouse. A garment for the upper body made from wool would be a jumper, a sweater or a pullover, for the more old-fashioned among us. And if said woollen garment has buttons up the front then it’s a cardigan or cardie. It is not a button-down anything.

 _Vest,_ not undershirt. Vests may be worn by either gender, and they are considered underwear. The American term “Sweater Vest,” has no general comparative within British usage, at least none I can find. However if you use the word “Vest,” then a British reader will assume you mean a piece of underwear.

 _Combat Trousers or Combats_ , not Cargo Pants.

 _Trousers or Slacks_ , not Khakis or Chinos. Neither of these words are used in the UK. The general all-use word “Trousers,” usually suffices. The most specific you would get in British usage is “Dress Trousers,” and those are for- you guessed it- the sort of trousers you wear with an expensive suit.

 _Court-Shoe, High-Heels or Heels_ , not Pumps. A “Pump,” in British usage refers specifically to a slipper-like flat shoe, such as a ballet pump, or plimsolls, which many small kids wear in .P.E. In other words, it refers to an entirely different sort of shoe.

 _Trainers or Runners_ , not Sneakers. 

 _Fit,_ not Cute. You may occasionally hear a person say someone’s cute- but there are dozens of other phrases including pretty or attractive or “I totally would,” or “get in there, my girl,” which are more common.

 _Bum, Backside or Arse_ , not Butt or Ass. Unless you’re implying that someone is acting like the animal then “ass,” is out. (And wasn’t that a lovely mental image?) I mention this one specifically because there is something inherently discombobulating about reading a really hot sex scene only to have your main characters change nationality for no discernible reason halfway through- Especially if you have a thing for one of those main character’s accents. (Not that I have, obviously. Ahem.)

* * *

_**Talking To Others** _

* * *

  _Good or Cool_ , not Neat. If you say something is neat in the UK, it means that it is tidy, not messy or slovenly.

 _Normal,_ not Regular. Regular in British parlance means something which happens regularly. A bus is regular. Your period is (hopefully) regular. If you’re implying that someone is a “regular guy,” then he’s more likely to be a “normal bloke,” in the UK.

 _Nice,_ not Cute. You would not hear anyone describe an object such as a dress as cute. Nobody says,  for example, “oh, that’s such a cute dress,” unless they’re American. Cute has a very specific meaning in the UK and would only be used to describe things like Hello Kitty, or Disney princess outfits. It is not an all-purpose adjective to describe attractiveness.

 _Holiday or Holidays_ , not Vacation.

 _Normality_ , not Normalcy. 

 _Hen Night,_ not Bachelorette Party. The Male Alternative is a "Stag Do."

 _A Character **Has** Her Period, She Is Not “ **On,”** It_. She may be on the rag, in her flowers or be having that time of the month. Aunt Flow may well be in town. But a female character will not say “on her period,” unless she is American (or the author is).

 _A Character Is Pissed **Off,**_ _Not Pissed_. "Pissed," in British parlance means drunk. (Thus, the related word, "Piss-Head," which is used to describe a drunkard.) While an American saying they are, "pissed," will be understood as expressing annoyance, a British person would not use that phrase themselves. 

* * *

_**Education** _

* * *

  _Maths,_ not Math.  

 _PE,_ not Gym Class. PE stands for “Physical Education,” and while I have no doubt “Gym Class,” is equally torturous, it is an Americanism, as is, “Phys Ed.”

 _Rubber_ , not Eraser. Also, note that a "rubber," is a common euphemism for a condom. 

 _University,_ not College. To makes things even more confusing, some British universities are made up of several colleges, most notably Oxford and Cambridge. The word “college,” is sometimes used, but in third level education the more usual word is university.

 _Secondary School_ , not High School. Secondary school usually starts at 12 years old, and continues until graduation at 18. It is not broken up into Junior High and Senior High.

 _Class or Form_ , not Grade. As in, “The first time Sherlock was caught with cannabis, he was in the sixth form.” A grade is something you get on a paper or exam. It is also sometimes called a mark, as in “Myroft always got top marks in everything.”

 _Primary School_ , not Elementary School.

 _Public School,_ not Private School. There are private schools in the UK, but the most sought-after and expensive schools are, confusingly, referred to as Public Schools. (A famous example would be Harrow, which is where Benedict Cumberbatch went.) These schools are fee-paying, with rigid entry requirements and they often provide exceptionally good results for students. Having gone to one of these schools is usually a huge indicator of social class, something which is always important in Britain as it influences how a character is viewed. This also means that a person’s reputation would be well-known to those who went to his school, since the communities which send their children to these schools tend to be small and relatively homogeneous. See, for example, Sherlock’s relationship with Sebastian Wilkes in “The Blind Banker.”

 _Working-Class_ , not Blue-Collar.

 _Middle-Class_ , not White Collar.

* * *

**_Sharing Our Feelings, or Common Swear-Words_ **

* * *

_Not Terribly Insulting:_ Git, Muppet, Idiot, Moron, Plonker, Berk, Pillock, Prat, Twat, Blighter, Numpty, Clot, * (*Most of these imply that the person they’re referring to is stupid, with the exception of “git,” and, “blighter.” "Clot," usually implies clumsiness)  

 _Slightly Insulting_ : Wanker, Tosser, Arsehole. Dickhead

 _Downright Insulting:_ Prick, Bastard, Fucker, Cock, Cunt

 _To Describe Those of Negotiable Virtue_ : Slapper, Slut, Scrubber, Man-Whore, Bike, Mattress, Anyone’s For A Pint and A Packet of Crisps

 _To Insult Those of the Female Persuasion_ : Bint, Bitch, Cow

 _To Insult The Appearance of Those of the Female Persuasion_ : Minger, Munter, Lard-Arse

 _To Insult Someone Considered To Be Upper Class_ : Toff, Ponce, Posh (adjective)

 _To Insult Someone Considered To Be Lower Class_ : Chav, Common (adjective)

 _To Be Used For Emphasis_ : Bloody (as in “you bloody git, Sherlock Holmes,”) Fucking, (as in  “You fucking idiot, Anderson, why would you put the samples down there?”) “Bloody,” is considered less of a swear-word than, “Fucking.”

 _Exclamations of Annoyance or Surprise_ : Fuck! Bugger! Shite! Shit! For Fuck's Sake! For Christ's Sake! *Bollix! (*“A load of old bollix,” can also be used to denote a story which the speaker feels is unlikely to be true.)

 _Common Terms For Sex_ : Shagging, Bonking, Humping, Jumping Each Other’s Bones, Getting Your End Away, Having It Off, Getting Your Leg Over, Rodgering, Boffing, Rumpy-Pumpy, Making The Beast With Two Backs

 _Common Terms For Kissing_ : Snogging, Copping Off, Getting Off With Someone

 _Common Terms for Masturbation_ : Wanking, Tossing Onself Off

 _Common Terms For Engaging The Interest Of A Potential Sexual Partne_ r: Chatting Up, Pulling

 _Common Terms for Genitalia (Penis)_ : Todger, Thrupney Bits, Bollocks, Cock, Prick, Willie

 _Common Terms for Genitalia (Vagina)_ : Minge, Muff, Twat, Fanny, Pussy

 _Common Terms for Drunkenness_ : Pissed, Lashed, Plastered, Rat-Arsed, Shit-Faced, Three Sheets To The Wind, Bladdered, Smashed, Sozzled, Trashed, Trollied, On The Sauce, On A Bender

 _Common Terms for Being Intoxicated By Drugs_ : High, Stoned, Caned, Off One’s Face, Off One’s Tits, Skunked, On A Bender

 _Common Expressions of Disinterest In Continuing In Another's Company_ : Fuck Off, Piss Off, Get Bent, Take A Hike, Sling Your Hook, 

 _Common Americanisms Which British Characters Wouldn’t Use But Which Often Turn Up In Fan-Fiction_ : Dick, Douche, Douche-bag, Asshole, Ass-hat, Ass, Jerking Off, Hitting On Someone, Tapping That, Hitting That, Getting Laid, Nice Rack  

* **A NoteAbout Swearing** : Attitudes towards swearing in the UK and the US seem to be very different. Swearing is incredibly common in the UK, despite the country’s reputation for politeness: In my experience the more “posh,” or upper-crust a person is, the more likely they are to delight in using bad language. (Stephen Fry has spoken on this subject several times, and his take is very funny).

Whilst swearing is frowned upon in certain contexts (usually work, or anywhere where a person is trying to make a good impression) this is because it is inappropriate; the US attitude to swearing seems to be more moral, as if the people who use it are doing something sinful or wrong. I mention this because, while swearing is rare in Sherlock, this is because the show is intended to be suitable for a family audience (which would make swearing inappropriate.) It is not because the characters themselves would never swear or would think swearing is shocking or wrong. Their being posh certainly wouldn’t prevent them doing it. If an author is uncomfortable using profanity then that is, of course, their choice, but to suggest that the characters themselves would be uncomfortable or shocked by it is unrealistic.

* * *

 

There now, what have I left out? I’m sure the list is endless so let me know…

  


 

 


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